Until Death Do Us Part

As our wedding day draws closer, I find myself having more of those "reality check" moments. You know, the ones where you're in the middle of something completely non wedding related and are hit with the realization that "OMG I'm getting married." Then, I'll usually stop and think about some of the ramifications of getting married and what it really means to me. Not that I've never considered them before, but thinking about it over and over again never gets old ya know? Lately I've been considering the whole thing about the vows and the promises that we will be making to each other. This is actually a topic that hits home a bit. It's one that I find myself having an internal argument over, yet always arriving at the same conclusion.


I know everyone has different wedding vows, so I'm definitely not speaking for everyone when I say this. I'm pretty sure our vows will include the "to have and to hold, sickness and health..." and end with the "until death do us part." That statement right there is pretty huge. This is probably the most serious promise I will be making to somebody. Ever.

Alright, Imma go off on a tangent here and talk about something a little personal to give some context to that statement above. I wasn't exactly raised in a model household. My parents: awesome, awesome parents. They raised four good, happy, smart people and we love them for that. My parent's relationship: awful. If there's anything good that came out of it (besides 4 cool kids) it's that it has taught me what I DON'T want my marriage to be like. And then I think about my grandparent's relationship (those that are still with us) and, well, I can't say much about them either. My mom has way too many stories about the things my grandmother put up with, and I'm afraid that I myself am going to have way too many stories about my own mother as well.

When I get calls from my mom-frustrated, angry, hopeless-I myself feel the same way. The strong, independent, self-sufficient, educated woman inside me screams: "DO something about it. You're healthy, able to work, able to learn and be on your own. Stop complaining, end it, and worry about yourself." And then the traditionalist and stubborn person steps in: "Wait, you got yourself into this mess. YOU made a promise to HIM and HE made a promise to YOU. Deal with it." I think that in the back of my mind and of her mind (although she'd never admit it) this is why she sticks around. And that's probably why my grandmother sticks around, and maybe why another handful of women (or men for that matter) that I can name off the top of my head stick around.

And you know what...if that's really the reason why any married person sticks around, I kinda respect that. I respect that they hold true to that promise they made. What I don't respect is the way that some people handle it.

I'm not in any way implying that anyone should put up with any kind of abuse whether it be physical or emotional. I equally respect any person strong enough to move on and make a better life for themself. Sometimes divorce is the only option. Sometimes we make mistakes. It's OK. I've never been in that type of situation so I can't speak from experience here. All I know is that as I consider the promises that I'm making to Mr. Tortolito and to, more importantly, myself, it's a pretty big deal. Maybe it's just my personality, but I'm not the type of person to back out of something once I seriously get myself into it. That's why preparing for marriage, communicating, planning for the future, and really knowing what I'm getting myself into is so important to me. This might sound bad, but I just can't think of a situation where I would allow myself to break my promise. I can think of a ton of really bad situations of course, but I would consider all other options of handling them before divorce. Obviously, I wouldn't be marrying Mr. Tortolito if I felt like there were any chance he'd ever disrespect me in any way, or alternatively, if there were a chance that I'd ever disrespect him. I wouldn't be marrying him if I didn't know this man, or didn't know him well enough to be 100% sure that we could work out any situation that life threw at us. As a team.

No one knows what life has in store for them. Nobody can say for sure what their life is going to be like in 10 years. But I know my partner and he knows me, and we are prepared to handle good and bad times together. We're in it to win it, folks.

I'm not asking anyone to judge here. I know this is a touchy and very personal topic. But, I'd really love to hear your thoughts on wedding vows and what they mean to you.