Showing posts with label My Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Thoughts. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The Birth

Are you ready to read a novel?  I hope so.  Cuz I'm about to share my birth story.  Gonna document 55+ hours worth of an extremely arduous journey known as child birth.

I wish I was joking when I say that it took over 2 days to push a baby out of my body.  When I had envisioned my childbirth experience, I saw it as a peaceful and natural event.  No longer than 15 hours (I got this number from my mom whose longest labor out of four babies was 16 hours); the perfect ending to a very pleasant and event-less pregnancy.  In my head, I was certain that I would still be pregnant past my 40 week due date, maybe even go up to 41 weeks.

In reality, labor happened abruptly and sooner than I had hoped it would.  It was not pleasant.  I was caught off-guard.  It was so painful.   Oh my gosh it was painful.

In the end, I had the natural and unmedicated birth that I wanted.  I got my beautiful, healthy baby boy out of it.  In that sense, it was SO worth it.  But I think the entire experience traumatized me.  My strength and patience was reaaallllly tested.  It was scary.  Ready for the story?  Read on..


Sunday, July 27


2:30 am
Woke up needing to pee really bad. Nothing weird, just the usual 2 am pee-pee wake up call. Go potty, jumped back in bed.  Then I felt a leaking sensation.  Think to myself "am I still peeing?"  Go back to bathroom. No more pee, but something was leaking. "Weird," I thought. 

3 am
Lying in bed.  I'm woken up again by the same leaking sensation. It quickly turned into gushing. Hopped out of bed as fast as I possibly could, half asleep, leaving a trail behind me. Made it to the toilet, standing in a puddle. "Shit," I thought. I knew my water had just broken. I wasn't feeling any contractions, and I was too sleepy to do much else, so I sloppily wiped up my mess with a towel and jumped back in bed. 

4 to 8 am
Woke up sporadically throughout the night having to pee/leak. At some point I nudged my husband and told him that my water had broken. "Should we go to the hospital?," he asked. "Nah, I'm not ready yet."

10 am
Up and about. Texted my doula. Let her know what happened. 

10 - 3 pm
Feeling light contractions throughout he morning. Nothing bad. Felt like period cramps. Spent time relaxing at home and trying to get more sleep. 

4 pm
"I should probably email my doctor."  Doctor responds within half an hour. Tells me there's nothing to worry about as long as the baby continues to be active. She mentions that contractions should continue to intensify, but if they don't I can get medication to speed things up.  She says to try to make it to the hospital soonish.
The mention of medication immediately annoys me. This entire time she has been very supportive of my desire for a natural, unmedicated birth. It's a blunt reminder that I'm still dealing with the standard US health care system where the approach is to treat everything as a problem and just throw medication at patients. Ugh.
I email her back and tell her that I'll stay at home a bit longer to allow the process to continue naturally. 

4:30 pm
My doula has been checking in with me throughout the day. I tell her that light contractions are still coming and going. She reminds me that I should eat a heavy dinner with plenty of protein, and maybe go for a walk. 

5 pm
Dinner time.  But first, husband and I walk to Little Tokyo.  I drop off a handful of baby shower Thank You cards in a USPS mailbox. This was one of my "must finish before baby arrives" tasks, so I felt a sense of relief getting these in the mail right before baby arrived.
We walk to Lazy Ox for dinner. I order steak, mashed potatoes, and cauliflower. And a glass of wine to help me relax. Husband had the burger and fries. Devoured everything. We relish in our last solo dinner together for a while.
Hi!  I'm in labor! 
Hi! I'm going to be a dad soon!
6:30 pm
Back home. I jump in bed and attempt to sleep. Contractions have slowed down at this point so I managed to get a good nap in. 

7:30 pm
I'm getting restless. Decide to bake some paleo brownies to take to the hospital as an offering to the nurses and as extra snacks for my hospital bag.
SIDE NOTE: Best decision ever. These really came in handy hours later when I was starving during labor at the hospital and then during recovery!

9 pm
Contractions still aren't happening at full force. I know I'm not ready to go to the hospital.  Decide that I'm going to attempt to get a full night of sleep and head to the hospital in the AM. Check in with my doula. She says to call her emergency late night phone # if contractions intensify.

10 pm
I'm lying in bed and find myself starting to cringe with each passing contraction.  Finally!  Husband starts to get concerned, but I tell him it's all good. Things are starting to progress. 


Monday, July 28

12:30 am
I hadn't been able to fully sleep since getting in bed.  Contractions have been getting stronger to the point where I can't talk through them.  Husband calls my doula to give her an update.  She'll be over in a couple hours. "That seems so far away," I think. Hah!  If I only knew how much longer I still to go.  Husband starts to time my contractions. 

I spent most of that night sitting on my handy dandy birthing ball.
2 am
Doula arrives. She starts to time my contractions. They are coming about every 3-5 minutes and lasting 30-45 seconds. Still not where they need to be, but I can't imagine them being more uncomfortable. If I only knew...  Doula assesses the situation. She thinks we are nowhere close to having to go to the hospital. I feel impatient, but agree that I should continue trying to sleep. 

3-7 am
Worst sleep of my life. Doula slept on our couch, husband knocked out on the bed with me, and I spent the night doing breathing drills through contractions and resting during the 3-5 minute breaks.  I was pretty bummed that by the time the morning came, my contractions still weren't intense enough to warrant a trip to the hospital. My doula had to leave that morning because she had a prior commitment that was outside of her scheduling control. Her back-up doula was on the way. 

8 am
The back-up doula arrives, and my original doula has to leave. The new doula was the sweetest person ever. We chat a bit, taking breaks every time a contraction hit. She recommends we go do some stair walking, so we walk outside to our building parking lot. Walk up and down the stairs a few times. It felt really good to be mobile, but didn't do much to increase the intensity of my contractions. We walk back inside to our loft.  I take a shower.

9-10 am
After a relaxing shower, I'm feeling up for a nap. The contractions had slowed down and were a little more spaced out, so I was able to get some really good rest.  It felt awesome. 

10 am
My phone rings. It's my doctor's office. The secretary called to tell me that my doctor hadn't heard from me since yesterday and wants me to go to the hospital now.  We pack up last minute items in our hospital bag. Doula, husband, and I drive to the hospital. I'm feeling excited but a little nervous. 

10:30 am
Check in to triage. Get scolded by the nurse for waiting so long to go to the hospital. She makes some mention of me needing pitocin to speed up contractions. I explained to her that was exactly what I was trying to avoid. She checks me for dilation. I'm at 2 cm, at most, which was really discouraging for me to hear. She hooks me up to a fetal monitor. Takes my vitals. Everything looks perfect. She says the doctor will be visiting soon, and since I and the baby appear fine maybe the doctor will give me more time to labor naturally. I'm optimistic, but still nervous. Contractions seem to have lightened up temporarily. 

11:30 am
Doctor shows up. She seems optimistic that baby and I are doing well after an entire day of laboring, but she doesn't recommend that I go back home to continue labor naturally. She won't give me that OK.  Husband and I have a decision to make. Go home, against her orders, OR stay and most likely be administered pitocin. After some discussion, we agree to stay.
We let the nurse know that we will be staying. I'm feeling super discouraged that I've already been laboring for so long with so little progress to show for it. 

12 pm
A new nurse shows up to pick me up from triage and take me to my Labor and Delivery room. I suddenly start to feel really heavy contractions coming on. I think it was a combination of this new wave of contractions and the feeling that I had suddenly lost control of my birth experience, but I start to sob inconsolably. The nurse is trying to disconnect me from the fetal monitors, and here I am crying and wailing like a baby.  Fun. 

12:30 pm
I'm in my Labor and Delivery room getting settled and trying to compose myself. I'll be spending the rest of my time here until I deliver. I'm told that I have about an hour before the doctor will give the go-ahead to administer pitocin. I've let go by now. I'm really just focusing on getting through each contraction, as they are much more regular and very intense.  My focus has shifted to getting this baby OUT.

Hours pass, and no word from the doctor.  I'm still not quite sure why nobody ever showed up within that 1 hour time slot to medicate me.  My best guess is that the nurses noticed that I was in true active labor so they decided to give me more time.  Being in that room was a much more calming environment for me.  I was able to walk around freely, make use of the birthing ball, shower, or use any of the other amenities to labor naturally.  I really felt like I was finally making progress on my own and that baby was well on his way.  My doula helped so much to make it a peaceful environment and coached me through difficult contractions.  Husband was there every step of the way, providing strength that I no longer thought I possessed.

7 pm
My doctor finally shows up!  I know I'm nowhere near the pushing stage, but contractions are intense and very painful.  She gets ready to check me for dilation and fear washes over me.  The last thing I want is anything near my vagina right now; I was already in so much pain!  She had to check, though.  It was quick but extremely uncomfortable.  Good news  - I was over 5 cm!  My doctor was very enthusiastic about my progress, explaining that I had practically just ran a marathon.  She leaves telling me that she's optimistic about me being able to delivery vaginally, and she wouldn't be surprised if the baby showed up by midnight.  I was ecstatic.  Couldn't wait for this to be over and meet my baby!

Contractions continue to intensify throughout the night.  I was in no way prepared for so much pain.  I had seen so many birthing videos of women laboring naturally, baby being born peacefully to a calm and collected mother.

Yeah, that wasn't me.

Tonight I was possessed.  I lost any and all reservation and modesty.  I would go from bouts of sobbing uncontrollably to screaming like somebody was stabbing me in the uterus.  Cuz that's what it felt like.  No, actually, it was more like someone took my uterus, put it in some medieval torture contraption that pulled it in two different directions for 2 minutes at a time with a 3 minute break in between.  All. Damn. Night. Long.

I did not sleep that night.  I paced my room like a madwoman hoping to have the strength to make it through the next contraction.  That's all I could do - deal with them one at a time. Eventually, I laid down on the hospital bed and labored on my side, attempting to get some rest.  Husband laid down with me, but I'm sure he couldn't sleep through all of the commotion I was making.  My doula attempted to sleep on the recliner in the room.  And time passed by like that for I don't know how long.


Tuesday, July 29

12 am
The nurse comes in to perform another dilation check.  I am terrified.  The result: closer to 7 cm.  Progress, but not enough.  She calls my doctor to update her.  Basically so that my doctor could go to sleep and not worry about having to deliver my baby in the next few hours.

Eventually the sun begins to rise.  I hadn't had real sleep for the past 2 days.  I'm a mess.

I don't remember much about how the early hours of this morning transpired because I was still only focused on getting past each contraction.  All I know is that I reached my lowest point this morning.  I was doubting my ability to get through labor, extremely upset that the baby hadn't been born yet, swearing up and down that I am never putting myself through this again.  If someone would have offered me medication, drugs, mercy, ANYTHING, I would have voraciously accepted it.  I was desperate to get the baby out!  This was not fun.  At some point my doula mentioned that I may still have a few hours to go, and I curled up and cried like an injured puppy.  

9 am
The entire morning was a blur.  I'm not sure how those around me noticed that I was ready to push. All I know is that my doula asked the nurse to start coaching me through the pushing process.
The nurse set up a squatting bar at the end of the hospital bed. She had me sit on the birthing ball, grab on to the top of the squatting bar, and taught me how to push when each contraction hit: as soon as I felt one coming, take a deep breath. Release it. Then take one huge breath, hold it it while I bear down as she counts to 10. Repeat 3 times for each contraction.
And holy shit!  Relief!  Suddenly, contractions were semi-manageable. Why hadn't they taught me how to do this hours ago?!
I sat on that birthing ball and did the whole pushing thing for a good 10 minutes.  Each and every push was VERY taxing.  I felt like I expended every ounce of energy in my body for those 10 seconds of bearing down.  It still hurt, but each push provided some relief.

I remember asking my doula if this meant that I was now fully dilated at 10cm.  She said yes.  I finally felt some semblance of happiness.

The nurse informs us that she is going to call my doctor.  She sets up the hospital bed for me to get on my back and start pushing.  The urge to push is getting stronger with each passing minute, and I have very little breaks in between to rest.  I manage to jump back on the bed.  I'm still being coached through each contraction, but this time by everyone - the nurse, doula, my mom, my husband.

The nurse then rolls in a giant mirror to my room.  She said that it was so I can see the baby coming out, which I think I refused because I really had no energy to focus on anything else besides pushing with all of my might.  I didn't need to be distracted by no baby head in a mirror!
The doula said something about how I should really see it because it's such a cool thing to witness.  I don't remember responding, because I was really whatever about it.  Anyway, I did look at the mirror and I saw the top of the baby's head.  Now that I think back about it, it was really freaking cool to see that.  At the time, I didn't pay much attention to it because I was, you know, trying to push it out.  Actually, I was a bit frustrated because I would see the top of the head getting bigger with one push, and then it would suddenly sink back in.  All of my pushing effort wasted away in clear sight as that baby head went back inside.  And let me tell you, pushing was so damn physically and mentally exhausting, especially after not having slept for 2 days.

Luckily, I only had to push for about an hour.  Around 9:30am, my doctor arrived.  That last half hour was me just pushing to the point where the doctor could guide the baby's head out and receive the rest of his body.  I've hear people say that crowing of the baby's head is the most painful part of delivery.  But after having endured contractions from hell for over 24 hours, this pain was nothing in comparison.  Yes, it was painful.  But like I said, there was at least a little bit of relief after each push.

10am
Our baby boy is finally out!  The doctor throws him on my chest immediately.  He is slippery, gooey, curled up in fetal position.  I am in tears, disbelief, and complete awe.  The doctor hands scissors to husband.  Who, by the way, has been by my side the entire time and completely fascinated watching the birth of our boy.  Husband cuts the umbilical cord, and then baby is swept away to be assessed at a table near the end of my hospital bed.  My temperature had spiked to fever conditions near the end of pushing so they had to evaluate him for potential infections.  Plus, the little pooper had passed meconium while still inside of me.  They had to make sure he hadn't aspirated any of his own poop.  Because of this, they whisked him away to continue evaluating him in a separate room.  We didn't get the immediate bonding time that I had hoped for after birthing him, but we had to make sure that he was healthy after such a long labor.

In the end, he was perfectly healthy. 

I'm pretty sure that 55 hours of labor is not typical.  Perhaps if I hadn't been in pain and suffering for so long, I would look back at this birth experience with a bit more fondness.  Ultimately, I am grateful for being able to have given birth to my son the way that I had intended.  I am so proud of him for having endured such a long journey as well!  I'm fascinated by my body for its capacity to bring life into this world.  I'm extremely lucky for my husband, who supported and encouraged me throughout the entire process.  I am even more grateful for our happy, healthy boy.  I've never been more in love.

photo by the fabulous Phoebe Joy

Monday, September 2, 2013

New

What up blog world.  Is anyone still out there?  Do I still have followers?  No?  Didn't think so.

Let me just say that I truly miss blogging.  Enough so that I'm going to attempt to give it another go.  The thing is, my little outlet in the interwebs has been so terribly neglected.  I'm not quite sure how to jump back into this thing.  Slowly?  Gently?  

It's not that I'm lacking inspiration to post.  I've got plenty to share: new adventures, fun experiences, sweet photos from the streets of LA, stories about getting into trouble in some corner of the world.  But just thinking about backtracking to post about all that shit is overwhelming.  So let's just focus on the present.  K?

More to come.  Peace.

Hubs & I.  August 2013. 

By the way, I really sort of despise the layout of this blog.  Hearts?  Crumbled notebook paper!  Really!?  WTF.  This needs to change.  This will change.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Tres


Photo by Phoebe Joy Photography
Three years ago on this day, we made a vow to love and stand by each other through good and bad times alike.  Today that vow holds as strong as ever. 

Year three saw some of the best moments we've ever experienced together.  Moments that remind us why we chose to experience this crazy ride together, as a team.  Moments that we live for. 

Year three also saw us at our worst.  More recently, year three handed us a loss that no couple should ever have to go through.  It left us heartbroken and jaded. 

Although this experience has made for a really sour start to year four, I have faith that this year has many positive things in store for us.  We're working on fixing those broken hearts and regaining that laughter that existed when this photo was taken.  I've been reminded time after time for these past couple of weeks why I fell in love with you.  You continue to be my strength, my best friend.

Today we stand stronger and more aware.  We are ready to move on and make year four the best one yet. Happy 3 year anniversary to us.  :)

Sunday, January 1, 2012

A Year In Fotos

Happy New Year!

Wow, 2011 really flew by.  It was a whirlwind of a year, one full of adventure and so many memorable moments. As I look back on this past year, I can't help but feel overwhelmingly lucky for the good things that have come our way.  We have wonderful families and friends, a warm home in a city and community that we adore, the sweetest pug, fulfilling careers, our health, and much more.  How do we deserve all of this?  I truly do not know, but I am so very grateful for such a positive year.  With that in mind, I resolve to approach this new year with that same appreciation and gratefulness.

Last year, I resolved to take a picture every day and post it on this blog.  And, (surprise!) I totally failed at that!  But don't worry because I'm about to make it all up with this post right here.  I did manage to take a ton of pictures, so I'll share a few of my favorite events from each month in 2011.  Ready..set...go!

JANUARY


Happy birthday to me!  I turned 27.  I like getting this aging thing over with early on in the year.  Thanks mom&dad for the January bday. ;-)  Husband took me to José  Andrés' The Bazaar for dinner.  It's been one of my most memorable dining experiences in Los Angeles (liquid nitrogen caipirinha - hells yess)  I remember I was starting to come down with a bad bug, though, so my appetite was not all there.  Maybe I'll get a re-do this year?  wink wink

FEBRUARY


I visited Philadelphia for the first time.  It was a quick business trip, but I still loved being able to visit a new city.  Plus, I got to see some old friends and meet their new daughter for the first time.  Win!

MARCH
Spain!  25 days: husband, me, our backpacks, and a loosely-structured itinerary.  We explored and ate our way through Madrid, Sevilla, Malaga, Granada, Barcelona, Roses, Valencia, and Alicante.  It was UNREAL.  Did this really happen?  I mean we got to fucking eat at El Bulli (which I am still determined to blog about one day).  Anyway, the pictures remind me that yes this was indeed real.




APRIL


A recovery month.  Lazy days at the lake with family.  A reminder that life is fleeting and precious.

MAY


A celebration trip to Berkeley!  The brother-in-law graduated college.  ::raise the roof::


Memorial day weekend at Palm Springs with the homies from work.  Many thanks to the big boss man for letting us borrow his condo.  Just a quiet, relaxing weekend in the desert.  Absolutely no revelry went on here.  ;)

JUNE

Playboy Jazz festival at the Hollywood Bowl.  So much fun!  The diversity of the crowd and the music really made this a memorable event.

JULY


Girls trip to Las Vegas.  No husbands allowed!  Can't post any more pictures.  You know what they say: what happens in Vegas...

AUGUST


Hello wedding season!  Our good friends got married in Seattle, giving us the perfect excuse for a mini getaway and a chance to explore this city for the first time.

SEPTEMBER


Another wedding, another new city to discover!  It was so much fun spending a weekend with our college buddies.  And Denver is beeeaautiful.

OCTOBER

LA County Fair time!

A weekend camping trip to Sequoia.  Unexpected snowy conditions made this an interesting but memorable experience!

NOVEMBER

2 year wedding anniversary already?!  This event deserved a relaxing retreat in San Diego.  <3

More new cities to discover: Minneapolis/St Paul!  This was a business trip for me, but the husband joined me for the weekend for sightseeing and silliness at the parks.  


Happy Thanksgiving!  We enjoyed a delicious homemade dinner at my parent's house.  Let the holidays begin!

DECEMBER


The first day of the month is always a celebration: it's the husband's birthday!  Happy 27 to my favorite person.  I took him to Tagine- a very cozy and charming Moroccan restaurant.  And the food?  Ridiculously delicious.

 

I've got another birthday to celebrate in December: my nephew turned 2 - yay!  My brother and his girlfriend, my sister, and I took him to Disneyland for the first time.  The little munchkin l.o.v.e.d. it.  Watching him light up as he met Buzz Lightyear for the first time was so freaking adorable.  


Happy holidays!  We hosted our first holiday party with its very own photo booth.  It was a blast.

And finally: Winter Roadtrip 2011.  Company shutdowns meant a week of doing whatever the hell we wanted, so we loaded up the car and drove east.

Stop #1: Arizona.  Grand Canyon to be exact.  Crazy impressive.  We really want to go back and ride a mule down to the bottom of the canyon.  Maybe when the weather is warmer?
Oh what?  Utah is only 3 hours away?  Let's do this!
Stop #2: Zion National Park
Hiking up to Angel's Landing was probably the craziest? stupidest? reckless? genius? I don't know..whatever type of decision it was.  Either way, it was spontaneous and fucking scary.  It's not so much physically challenging as it was mentally challenging.  But we didn't fall down the steep cliffs.  And it was awesome.
Made it to the top!!!

We continued the trend of recklessness by doing the Hidden Canyon trail on day 2 at Zion.  This seemed like more of an obstacle course with all of the dang rocks and logs we had to climb over.  A beautiful and breathtaking trail, nonetheless.

Stop #3: Las Vegas!
One night in sin city was enough for us.  We were eager to get back to LA to ring in the new year.
We ended the year with a bang surrounded by good friends and good drinks.  Dance party included.
Last picture of 2011!


Busy year, right?  2012 has a lot to live up to, but I am certain that it won't disappoint.  Let's get this party started!